On Anonymity or, Why I Have Been Tired and Frustrated

So, anybody that's been around ESR of late (say... the past few weeks) is probably aware on some level of the drama and bad feeling that's been caused by the anonymous e-mail from QuakerWorldNow and the follow-ups to that. I'm not going to try and convince you, intrepid reader, of the rightness or wrongness of QWN's actual message, nor will I try and address the situation that led to QWN's e-mail. Well, I say that, but we'll see how successful I am. After all, this whole thing is a big mess for me, as much as anyone else. Well, at least a tempest in a teakettle. Well, at least a light breeze. But I digress. Right, so this will be my take on things and an attempt to put into words some of what I'm feeling about all this.

Warning: I may express some anger/frustration that is not entirely kosher, and I may be sarcastic or ironic, so if you're offput by this, please remember I'm only a weak mortal... and people may need to speak slowly so I can understand.

Coyote was sitting one day, no doubt failing to meditate on God, sacred texts, and Pastoral Care, when he received an e-mail (this being, of course, not your average coyote) from someone who identified him/herself as "QuakerWorldNow." You, reader, may also have received this e-mail, going on at some length about the mistreatment a certain "exiled" student had received from the ESR administration. The tone was, shall we say, less than fully rational and the e-mail in general was somewhat vague and overly emotional - a poor combination, methinks. Well, Coyote's first reaction was intense curiosity - who was this nonny mouse that was semi-coherently railing against his adoptive institution?

You see here the problem from the outset, dear reader - instead of focusing on the message that Ms. Mouse was trying to communicate, Coyote was focused on the writer's identity. What can I say, I am a curious person?

Still, Coyote is not entirely without compassion, and could sense that there was much pain behind QuakerWorldNow's e-mail and wished to engage Ms. Mouse in order to attempt a dialogue and perhaps offer up some help and resources. Now, in the interests of full disclosure, he sent the response four days after QWN's initial e-mail, which as we all know is a lifetime for the internet and e-mail communication. Actually, here is my e-mail in all it's lengthy glory. Feel free to skip it if desired, but I post it here so that you, dear reader, can judge whether Coyote misstepped too greatly. It will be in italics and dark blue for your ease of identification.
Greetings to... whomever you are.

Perhaps I'm rather late in responding to this, but I've read, and reread, and analyzed, and thought about your e-mail for some time now and have some thoughts of my own I'd like to share. I confess that you have me at a disadvantage here - you know who I am, but I don't knowwho you are, and so I can only pray that my pragmatic and perhaps overly blunt response doesn't rub you too much the wrong way. After all, I wouldn't want to be seen as in collusion with the Evil Ones (Tm). Anyway, the point is that I may come across as a bit adversarial, so I apologize in advance.

First, I wonder about your choice to send this e-mail anonymously, yet only to a select number of students - and an odd collection as well. There's a whole series of problems this raises for me. My initial reaction to this e-mail was "Who is this?" not "Oh poor Robert and fellow student" which I think was probably not your intention. If you feel comfortable enough in e-mailing those of us who you have chosen (after all, it clearly wasn't to the whole community since Lauren, Craig, Trish, among others weren't on the list), then why do you not feel comfortable in revealing your identity? You mentioned that "some students may not accept my words..." yet some (like me) find it difficult to hear the words without knowing the speaker... make sense?

After all, this isn't a message board, or online community where you can lob bombs and leave with no true repercussions, but an actual physical community of people who fellowship, learn, worship, live, and love together - if we are truly an embodied community, even just a
select few whom you have named, why do you feel like we even *can* allow you to go unidentified? I don't mean this in a "Big Brother" way, but a loving community needs to know who is hurting so that it can help in healing, or at least avoid unintended further damage.

Which leads into my second point I guess. Your e-mail is very vague... sure, I and many others here know at least some level of Robert's situation, but to take that for granted is perhaps not the best of ideas. An example: one of the people you e-mailed, Tonda, has been more or less out of touch with the ESR community this semester... understandably, as she's in Minnesota (I think) with her fiance. What this means is that Tonda had no idea any of this was going on... your e-mail was the first she'd heard about it, and as it was rather short on details (not to mention... misleading, which I'll get to later) all she knew was that somebody was gone from ESR, and at least some students appear(ed) to be calling for Jay Marshall's head on a stick. First person she called, Craig, also had no idea, since he hadn't got the e-mail. Now, she's since had it somewhat cleared up, so no fear there, but you see my (rambling) point. For those who don't have the gnosis, this e-mail was both disturbing and not particularly helpful. Which is okay if you're just letting out grief, but usually letting off steam is best done to those who have some idea of what's going on. Heck, *I* don't know all the details of Robert's exodus, and I think it unlikely that you do either - no offense.

Speaking of, I wonder why it is you keep referring to Robert as an "exile?" He wasn't expelled, but rather withdrew on his own terms (more or less his own terms)... no matter how badly the administration may have treated Robert, they did not force him out the door, and to suggest that they did smacks of... rumor-mongering, at best. Marie Vandenbark is not the first adjunct that Bethany has had the misfortune of hiring, being as they are in a bad way with the loss of two beloved professors last year, and somewhat flagging support from their denomination. You may have heard from Micah or some others about the New Testament professor they had last semester and who isn't back. Doesn't mean damage wasn't done while he was here, but he's gone now. Likewise I expect with Vandenbark... if she's as terrible as everyone says and the evaluations/letters support this, I doubt Bethany will bring her back. Not that that helps Robert, or you apparently, but Bethany/ESR aren't totally unresponsive to their students. Hmm... got off-topic there, somewhat. Well, perhaps not.

Anyway, I guess the last question I have for you is what do you hope to accomplish here? If you're in need of Pastoral Care regarding these many issues (and the underlying ones that I sense are present as well), why contact your fellows anonymously when it's hard to sympathize with a nonny mouse? If you want us to join you in letting ESR/Bethany know that we feel Robert was treated unjustly, again, it would be nice to know who you are but more importantly, what exactly the injustice is here you're talking about. Mentioning "strange behavior" doesn't tell much... and accusing the administration (who? Jay? Tim? Joanna? Sue? President Bennet? the administration are not a lock-step monolithic entity) of "hypocrisy" is somewhat empty when you don't tell us how they're being hypocritical. These purposes so far are worthy (at least in one case, unknown in the other), and I cansupport either one. However... however... if you're simply seeking to "stir the pot" and create a tempest in a tea-pot by accusing the Dean and company of shenanigans... well, I find that at least inappropriate, if not downright un-Quaker (let alone un-Christian). The dramatic nature of your message, the constant sanctification you're giving Robert and demonization of... let's go with Jay, here... leads me to ponder this. I mean, no offense, but what does Robert's delicious cookies (they were!) and his support of your own settling-in have to do with his ability to handle conflict and incompetence among professors? Maybe, like too many Quakers historically, he decided to take his toys and go home. I don't actually believe that, but I know Robert. Does everyone that you sent this to know him enough to not jump to that conclusion?

A couple phrases stuck out to me that I'd like to ask you about. You imply early on that young people are not listened to at ESR... and I wonder what leads you to feel that way? For myself, I have felt nothing but supported and encouraged to explore and take on roles since my arrival here, regardless of my age... indeed, I am often the one who defers to others (fellow students that is) because of my age, much to the chagrin of some. Now, if you're referring to faculty or administration, well the power structure is rather different... after all, we are in a graduate program; however, I don't think that's any less true for say, Summer (30ish), Paul/Trish (late 40s I believe), or Mickey/Deb (??? don't wanna guess terribly wrong). Still, you apparently feel that your age makes you not be listened to, and I'd encourage you to explore that, see what others feel about it. Later, you refer to Robert as "...forced to withdraw from the seminary he so loved and wanted to be a Quaker emmissary..." and I wonder why you feel that he can no longer be a Quaker emissary? I mean, did Chuck Fager graduate from ESR (maybe he did, I don't know)? Or the Executive/General Secretaries of many Yearly Meetings? I'm certainly not belittling an ESR degree, but being a Quaker emissary doesn't require a set of letters after your name... but again, I wonder why it is you put it that way?

Alright, my e-mail is very lengthy and for that I apologize, but you raise many questions for me. One more thing to say, and I know this is nitpicky, but w/e. I wish you'd taken more time in writing this, spelling/grammar, general sentence structure, etc, just to make things easier for everyone to understand. Sorry, can't help being obnoxious about it. I'd just like to end with a hope that you don't feel the need to actually leave over this... perhaps this is the straw breaking the camel's back, and you have many other legitimate reasons for leaving, but this sort of rash action, if rash it be is not very... Quakerly, no?

Salaam,
Jonathan

Right, so there you have it, dear reader. Fairly lengthy e-mail Coyote wrote, eh? I'll admit, I was rather proud of it. Imagine my dissapointment when QWN's response was a mere two paragraphs (20 sentences) of dismissive attitude towards my own intelligence and understanding of the situation, and more vague - yet sinister - accusations against both Jay Marshall and Marie Vandenbark. I'd repost it, too, but Coyote doesn't feel like being threatened with legal action - or worse, as some have been.

Ok, anyway, so there's that. Most of the thoughts in Coyote's e-mail still stand. There's more, though. Shortly after this - two days, actually - a fellow mischief-maker, James Nayler, sent me an invitation to an ESR Gossip Blog. Oh, yes, shudder dear reader, for it is this which has caused almost as much unhappy divisiveness as QuakerWorldNow's e-mail. You see, the original intent behind the Gossip Blog, which "fills a much needed gap in the community" was ironic, sarcastic, and taking the piss out of the whole situation. Fans of Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, or Edmund Blackadder may be familiar with the concept. As Coyote will be the first to tell you, "libel and defamation" clearly do not "fill a much needed gap." The whole point, is that QWN is being disruptive by slinging mud, so why not point this out and have some fun by accusing the ESR administration of being responsible for the death of Anna Nichole Smith - tarring and feather to follow upon Jay Marshall's return from Kurdistan.

Right, so there was that. Coyote and some others having fun on a goofy blog, then someone (emphasis here on one) has to come along and piss in their Wheaties. Ok, so the actual circumstances leading to the taking down of the blog are more complicated than that - and no, it was not QuakerWorldNow or any of the other pseudonyms that were the direct cause, though, as with all of this, they were the root problem. And yes, I will agree with James Nayler that it was ultimately the right move - after all, he/we had misunderestimated (ooh, like that?) the depth of pain/brokenness that QWN is dealing with and that was leading him/her to register several pseudonyms and attack the blog - and individuals, not knowing who was behind it. Which, of course, was hurtful to others who were caught in the... well, crossfire isn't the right word, maybe drive-by would be better. Make sense, dear reader? I hope so, because it still somewhat confuses Coyote.

So I'm frustrated and upset. Because somebody threw a bomb into our community and isn't willing to take responsibility for it. We can't even reach out and try to begin the healing process we'd like to with this person, because there is a lot of pain there, and difficulty with authority. I may be coming across as a bit of a jerk, I hope not, but I do want this person to get help if they want it. That's why we have a Pastoral Care Committee, that's why we have Student Meeting for Business, that's why we have resources. But... ooh, here Coyote's gonna be bad, and not assume the best of someone... what if, dear reader, QWN doesn't want healing? I mean really, what does the nonny mouse want to accomplish? The adjunct gone? Who would that serve? Certainly not the people that need that class, need it now, and are willing to carry on through and make the best of it. What will you tell that person, "Oh, sorry you need this class to graduate when you want to and follow God's call for your life, but we're going to cancel it and not let you finish the course because many people can't get along with the instructor?" (And, for that matter, exacerbate the situation by aggrandizing the instructor's... eccentricities)

What makes it worse is this divisiveness and confusion is spreading... infecting, you might say, some other folks at ESR - specifically the new folks, who are new to this community and were blindsided by this. I'm sorry to have to be so blunt about it, but that's how I feel. I don't blame them for talking about this as much as they are - after all, it was somebody close to them and who had been very kind who left ESR under mysterious circumstances at best. I don't blame them, I just wish... I don't know what I wish. Maybe that's going too far. Where was I? Oh yes. Maybe this is just Coyote being jealous and defensive, but dang it I like these new people and I don't want them getting half-truths and adding to the dissatisfaction some of them are feeling. And worst of all, oh worst of all, is when people I care about, who are vitally active and enriching members of this ESR community are feeling forced out, attacked and belittled, or are looking forward to getting out of here with no bittersweet, only yearning. All because one person (under different names) is attacking blogs (yes, more than one, see my dear friend QuakerScholar), declaring deeply spiritual fFriends as "rage-filled," and (possibly, if Coyote's nose is as good as he believes) two-facedly taking personal credit for taking down the ESR Gossip Blog.

Right. Calming down. Happy trickster, right? So tomorrow night there will be a Community Meeting to try and address some of these concerns. I hope the pseudonymous nature of this (not truly anonymous, as Julie corrected me) and why someone in our community feels the need to act pseudonymously will be addressed. What I hope for is that QuakerWorldNow comes and identifies him/herself so we can stop this nonsense. What I hope even more though is that some of my new friends will attend - I know they're tired of this, but it would be healthy for everyone.

Sorry Coyote's story began trailing at the end there. It's late, I'm tired. My head hurts. I should be doing Old Testament work. Or Spiritual Prep. work. Or Pastoral Care work. Or something other than this depression-inducing topic.

Hope to see folks tomorrow night!